


Alone in the Darkness

by autumnsolstice9



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 17:24:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3075653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnsolstice9/pseuds/autumnsolstice9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is a haunted by the weight of his actions and destiny. He believes no one cares for him and the darkness inside him only tells him everyone hates him, so he decides to leave everyone in the worst way possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This work involves references to suicide and depression.

Merlin wasn’t sure why he cared so much. It left him feeling exposed, as if every single nerve ending was being burned slowly, and nothing could stop the pain it made him feel. 

When Merlin first felt this way, he ignored it. Surely it was guilt from what happened to Morgana. Whenever he closed his eyes he could still see her, hands wrapped around her throat, pleading for air, a look of betrayal and complete despair in her eyes. It was his fault, he made her like this, Morgana would have been fine if not for Merlin.

What if he had told her of his magic? Would that have helped? It definitely would have changed the course of Morgana’s life, of that Merlin was sure. One detail can change fate and destiny, something Merlin had lived through.

What if he had defeated Morgause? Morgana would not have sought her out and been corrupted like she was. Merlin could have done so much more.

What if he had found a cure? Did he really have to poison her? Probably not. He should have been more prepared. He should have found another solution.

_You did what you had to do, to save Camelot, to save Arthur_ , he kept telling himself.

Maybe he did, but that didn’t stop him from feeling better.

Slowly his days became filled with more of this, as if a deep blackness was swallowing him. It didn’t take him slowly, no, that would be too easy. Merlin felt like he was being eaten cell by cell and one day there would be nothing left but black. His head would feel fuzzy, as if someone was pouring smoke into it and there was no clean air. Everything felt muffled: his brain couldn’t follow strands of thought, his body too slow to make up for his head’s misfortune. Overall, it felt empty.

The last couple of weeks, Merlin felt the darkness take over nearly every hour of his life. He would wake up and contemplate just how important it was to get out of bed, to go and see people, because something on the surface screamed at him that he couldn’t. If he went out into the world he would get hurt, someway, somehow. Deeper down, his body told him that Arthur needed him. _You’re linked to him! He’s your destiny!_ That part of him would be the only reason Merlin got out of bed in the morning.

Even deeper down than that, his body screamed that this was as good as things could get. Surely things would only get worse. Why not stop everything while you can?

For the most part, Merlin ignored that deep down feeling.

Now, Merlin was completely filled with the darkness. He rose out of bed, and every inch of his body screamed to stop. He didn’t want to leave his bed. It was safe there. If someone asked Merlin what he was hiding from, he wouldn’t have an answer, only that he knew it was safe away from people.

Gaius trudged into Merlin’s room, the gentle sound of his footsteps ringing through Merlin’s ears.

_No_ , he thought, _he’ll make me get out of leave. I can’t leave. I just can’t._

Sure enough, Gaius nudged Merlin’s side. “Merlin, if you don’t get up know, you’ll be late with Arthur’s breakfast.” With more force than an old man should be capable of exerting, he lifted Merlin up, giving a gentle pat to his face as he left. “Come on, my boy, Arthur isn’t that bad. You’ll manage.”

A part of Merlin screamed that he wouldn’t manage. It seemed he couldn’t manage anything anymore.

***

Carrying breakfast into Arthur’s room, Merlin opened the curtains, trying to put on his cheeriest voice. Arthur was his friend, but he didn’t want to burden him with the weight on Merlin’s shoulders. He didn’t think anyone should carry it, it was so suffocating and painful, so Merlin would carry it alone. He needed to be happy, for Arthur, who deserved the best. Deep in his gut, Merlin knew he would do anything for Arthur. A crevice in his mind whispered to him that this was the hardest part.

“Come on, up! Kings can’t laze about, I don’t think I can make anymore holes in your belt!” If anything could get Arthur moving, it was insulting his weight.

The pillow that hit the back of Merlin’s head told him that Arthur was awake. “I am not fat, _Mer_ lin. Besides, some of us actually do work around here that requires energy. An imp could do your work.”

It was the usual insults, which Merlin was used to, but his body stung with what Arthur was saying. He was right, an imp probably could do his job. Essentially, Merlin was worthless. Arthur didn’t need him. There were plenty of people in Camelot who would be willing to do Merlin’s job. And, Merlin thought wistfully, there would be plenty of people better at the job then Merlin. So why was he here?

As Arthur stared at Merlin, waiting for a response, a slight frown on his face, Merlin felt his nerve endings start to light on fire again. Arthur didn’t need him. Arthur didn’t need him. _Arthur didn’t need him._ If Arthur didn’t need him, there was no point in staying in Camelot. There was no point in doing anything. Merlin had been dragging himself out of bed, exposed and raw and unable to stop the darkness from consuming him, all for Arthur, but _Arthur didn’t need him._ Merlin really was nothing.

Merlin gave a sharp laugh. “Of course, you’re right Arthur. An imp could do my job.” And with that, he left a confused Arthur and went back to his room. 

***

That dark, cavernous part of Merlin told him what he was doing was right. _They won’t miss you_ , it screamed, _They never really liked you anyway! They just talked to you because they felt bad. You’re pathetic, they only pitied you._

A part of Merlin wanted to hit himself for thinking that. An even greater part of Merlin sighed in deep resignation and listened to every word.

***

By the time it was dark out and Merlin had to guide his way through the forest using his magic, Merlin felt he could rest. He was far away from Camelot, but close enough that he could return if need be. The patrol Arthur sent through the forest wasn’t likely to find him here. _Not that Arthur would send patrols for you anyway. You’re nothing,_ a voice in the back of his head reminded him.

Taking off his neckerchief and putting it under his head as a makeshift pillow, Merlin gazed up at the stars. When he was younger, Merlin loved looking to the stars. He always thought they gleamed in the darkness of the world, a beacon that yes, there is endless light and beauty out there. Now, as he frowned upwards towards the heavens, they looked dull. All the glamour was gone, and instead of seeing an array of lights, he saw clumps of dust invading his vision.

It was strange how everything seemed dull these days.

If Merlin had to pinpoint the moment he started feeling like less of a person and more of walking despair, he would be unable to. It was something that had slowly been building up his whole life, possibly, only to triggers that launched blackness into his body instead of letting it slowly seep in. There was Ealdor, where he never fit in, his magic always leaving him feeling different. He was different, and his mother tried to tell him he was ‘special’ like all good mothers do, but he had always known the truth. He was a freak forced out of his own town because everyone else realized it later than Merlin had.

That would have been Trigger 1. The next was probably when the Great Dragon thrusted fate and destiny onto him, telling him that so many people depended on him but no one could see his true colors. Magic was outlawed. It was evil according to Uther and Arthur. With all the things Merlin has done so far in his life, he can’t help but think they’re right.

Then there was Will’s death. Merlin could cry just thinking about it. He would often wake up in a panic, sweat pouring off him, as he recalled the final moments he spent with his best friend. Will had been like a brother, a constant in Merlin’s life that had been cruelly snatched away. If Merlin had known of the Isle of the Blessed when Will died, he would have gladly gone and exchanged his life. He always knew how to save the house after the storm destroyed it; every cloud in sight looked like it could be filled with thunder, leaving Merlin terrified he wouldn’t be able to protect the house once again.

After Morgana left--- no she didn’t leave. That was a lie he often told himself. Merlin had abandoned her.

Most of the time, Merlin couldn’t think of what happened to Morgana. All he would think about was how he had messed up, he had failed her, he hadn’t protected the house from the storm. The night Morgana had been taken, darkness crept it’s way into Merlin’s bloodstream to spread like ink throughout his body. More had exploded in his head, leaving him covered in dark colors that no one wanted but Merlin was forced to wear.

Balinor’s death, Lancelot’s death, Freya’s death. They all passed too soon, too close together. It was like tying Merlin’s hands behind his back and telling him to sword fight an army. He felt like he was getting stabbed, all his failures bursting into his gut and reminding him that he couldn’t do anything right, couldn’t save anyone. He had lost his mother’s true love, Gwen’s true love, and his own. There was nothing for him except the friendship of Arthur, but he was a king and Merlin a servant. Merlin laughed at the thought that he and Arthur had really been friends. Arthur had probably felt sorry for Merlin and, being the great king and honorable person he was, talked to Merlin.

The biggest trigger, the one that led to the most darkness in Merlin, probably had to be the fact he was hiding. He had to hide from everyone and everything, because no one could know he was magic. Having friends but never letting them see the real you- it’s enough to drive someone mad. Merlin wasn’t crazy, just depressed. He felt like a liar and a fake, scum on the earth that all the rain couldn’t wash away but a flood would. Here Merlin was, waiting for the flood to take him away.

His eyes fluttered shut on the thought that maybe to clean away Merlin’s disgust from the earth, he would have to do it himself.

***

Merlin knew he wasn’t a seer like Morgana, something he was thankful for, but his dreams often held a bit of insight to the future. It wasn’t scenes played out in his head, but was instead tiny glimpses. He could feel emotions in the pit of his gut as he slept, telling him of danger or happiness.

As he slept under the stars, Merlin dreams consisted of nothing but blackness darker than nights spent in caves. In his gut, Merlin felt disgust, deeper than any feeling he had felt before. Then all emotion drained out of him, as if floodgates had opened, and all Merlin felt was empty.

As he started to wake, his gut twisted, and he felt joy. He hadn’t felt anything resembling happiness in the longest time, and Merlin craved for it. He tried to force himself back to sleep, anything to grasp onto that feeling of unadulterated joy, but he couldn’t.

Instead, Merlin woke up calling out for all the people in his life who would never be there again, all the people who would bring back those feelings of joy. He cried for Lancelot, for Balinor, for Will, for Freya. Tears poured from his eyes, as he cried most of all for Morgana, who he had done so much wrong to. And when he thought he couldn’t cry anymore, he thought of Arthur, who he had left, and he suddenly had an ocean to cry out.

Arthur didn’t miss him, otherwise he would be looking for him, Merlin reasoned with himself. No one missed him. He wouldn’t even miss himself if he left. So why not leave?

The thought spurred a giddy happiness into Merlin. He was right--- he didn’t have to stay alive. He could leave the earth on his own terms and not those set by destiny. Most of all, he could _stop feeling_. Merlin laughed at himself. Why hadn’t he thought of this before?

If someone did search for him and find his body, they surely wouldn’t be able to bring him back. He would be gone and free from the pain in the world. He had no goodbyes to make, his body screamed to him that no one missed him so why say goodbye?

Except, he did have one goodbye to make, to the one person he had hurt so much. Bellowing into the skies, Merlin called down Aithusa, hoping that she would arrive soon. And when she did show up, Merlin found her to be crippled like she was when he last saw her. He called her forward, gently stroking her face as he let his magic pour out of him. While Merlin was never the best at healing magic, he wanted his last actions on earth to be something to make people proud.

Aithusa’s crippled back began to straighten, her body slowly becoming healthy again thanks to his magic. Merlin felt a tiny smile appear on his face as he watched the one good thing from his life grow into what she should have been if he had not left her. Gold spun out of his fingers, encompassing her body until she was pure again. “Aithusa,” he called out in dragon tongue, “Watch over Morgana, keep her sane. Please don’t let her fall into a deeper madness, but do not let her harm Arthur or Camelot.” Aithusa, sensing a final goodbye in the somber tone of his words, nuzzled closer to him, tears in her bright eyes. “I’ll be okay, I promise. Now go, everything will be okay. I promise, Aithusa, I will make things right.”

Bowing to Merlin as a sign of respect to his last wishes, Aithusa set off in the sky, searching out for Morgana to help her through the pain Merlin had condemned her to.

***

Darkness once again started to creep up on the sky. Merlin took in a sharp breath, feeling the way the crisp air filled his lungs, as if bidding him goodbye.

Merlin knew what he felt in his dreams was happening now. The disgust for himself in his stomach was the same as his dreams. Here the earth was wishing him goodbye, and Merlin didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of the kindness people gave him. He was nothing.

Underneath his breath Merlin uttered a spell, his eyes flashing a gold that still amazed him. He looked down at his body, seeing nothing that would let him know the spell had worked. But then he felt it, the beginning of his beautiful demise. He put his hands up to his neck, and when he pulled back, he saw the crimson red blood stain his hands. It was not going to be a quick death, but Merlin wasn’t deserving of a quick death. It would take long to kill him with the rate the blood was leaving him, something that made a twisted part of Merlin bitterly laugh. The sharp stinging in his skin didn’t hurt him, it only made Merlin feel a deeper disgust.

Taking off his blood soaked neckerchief, Merlin tossed it to the ground. By taking it off, he was losing what made him Merlin. Now he really was a nobody. He wasn’t even Merlin anymore. Just a vessel containing a soul desperately trying to escape and now having it’s wish granted.

Looking down at the neckerchief, Merlin felt disgust once again. He was leaving behind who he was, taking what many people would refer to as the “coward’s way out”. Maybe he was a coward. Right now, he was nothing. His legs carried him out towards a nearby meadow where he could no longer see his neckerchief or anything that made him who he was. With a small smile on his face, he looked out towards the sky to see the sun set. It, like many other things, no longer held beauty to Merlin. But as he looked up at the stars and his vision started to go black, Merlin noticed how the tiny dots in the sky seemed to gleam once again.

As his eyes lost focus, Merlin smiled one last time. He felt nothing, and then he felt joy.

***

Merlin’s dreams were filled with the sounds of hoofbeats. He heard someone who sounded strangely like Leon scream, “Arthur! Over here!”. He heard someone who sounded like Gwaine whisper ‘no’, and he heard Arthur scream his name.

Warm hands touched his neck, feeling for a pulse, and Merlin felt himself be lifted off the ground and put into someone’s arms. Something wet slid down his cheek, which could have been tears, and Arthur whispered in a broken voice, “Who did this to you? Come on, Merlin, we’re going to bring you to Gaius, everything will get better. Just please, stay alive, please.”

Merlin was either in heaven, because people he cared for were worried about him, or in hell, because they were trying to save him when he didn’t want to be saved.

All he could remember before he once again succumbed to the darkness was thinking that he hoped they didn’t make it back to Camelot in time to save him.

***  
When Merlin woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in Camelot. The second thing he noticed was that he didn’t know where he was.

“Merlin,” a warm feminine voice said from behind him. Tears sprung in his eyes as his mind recollected the warmth he had felt when he was with that voice, the warmth he felt now.

“Freya,” Merlin whispered, his voice shaking, as he turned to face her. She looked beautiful, wrapped in a dress as blue as the lake of Avalon that flowed around her. Her brown hair was no longer knotted and instead fell in waves that cascaded down her shoulders. The brightest feature she had, however, was the wide smile she greeted Merlin with and the chocolate eyes that danced in the light. He ran to greet her, his legs carrying him to Freya faster than magic ever could. Pulling her into a strong embrace, Merlin released everything that had been building up inside him, all the pain was slowly being pushed out of him as Freya brushed her hand through his hair and spoke gentle promises of eternal love.

“I’ve missed you, Merlin. Come now, tell me what’s wrong. Nothing can harm you here.”

Freya pushed Merlin down onto the grass, soon settling herself down next to him. Merlin looked long into her eyes, trying to find the words to tell her of the darkness that resided in him but coming up blank. Wincing in pain from memories that were reality not a short time ago, Merlin instead focused on what was happening now. “Freya, am I dead? What is this place?”

Merlin saw the disappointment in her eyes that he didn’t tell her what was wrong. He could feel disappointment stir in his gut too that he couldn’t tell her. Breathing out a sigh, Freya gestured to all the land around them. “You’re not dead, but you’re not alive either. Well, technically you’re alive, but this is a crossroads of sort. I’m here because I’m the lady of the lake, able to cross over to the side of the living or the dead when I please. Mostly I sit here, helping people make the choice of living or dying. Right now, Merlin, you have a choice. You can go back to the land of the living or you can go to the land of the dead. You can stay here as long as you want to make your decision, but if you stay too long, someone will make it for you. Your body could stop fighting or someone could bring you back to life, but for now, you have a choice.”

Flicking her wrist to the left, a shimmer appeared in the air, slowly opening to show Camelot in all its glory. “This is you are, right now. If you go through here, you’ll return to your body and live. But over here-” she flicked her wrist to the right, showing a lush green field that screamed of happiness to Merlin, “is where you must enter if you wish to leave the world.” Something in her tone of voice told Merlin that Freya never wanted Merlin to have to make the choice, that if she could she would keep him on the earth to live happily forever because all Freya wanted was to make people feel happy.

When Freya turned to look back at him, Merlin was amazed at how he knew her even though he only knew her for a short time. He woke up every day with an ache in his heart for Freya, knowing that he would always love her even if he did love others in the same manner. Some part of Merlin would always hold Freya and the memories of her under lock and key in his heart. Merlin knew he was in love with Arthur, whether it was romantically or just because when he was with Arthur he felt whole, his body burned for Arthur. No matter how much Merlin loved Arthur, he knew that not even that love could remove the love Merlin had for Freya. Sure, it would gradually lessen and the pain would hurt less each day, but it would never disappear. Sometimes waking up to that pain reminded Merlin that someone had loved him and he wasn’t completely worthless, and he was thankful for the ache in his chest.

Looking at Freya now, it was like his love for her had never shrunk. It was back in full force, coursing through his veins, making him feeling dizzy just thinking about it. Freya would never lie to him, of that he was sure, so she could help him make any decision. “Which pathway lets me stay with you?”

Tears sprung into the her eyes and she lifted her hand up to wipe them away. “Oh Merlin, you really are the sweetest man. Any door leads you to me, I can go in any realm. Part of me is with you wherever you go, don’t ever think you’re alone. I’ll never leave you, not now, not ever.” Her arms opened up and Merlin moved into them, his face fitting into the her neck.

“It’s so hard, Freya, feeling like you’re not important, like you’re not loved, like you’re worthless. All these terrible things happen to innocent people and I know that they’re my fault because I couldn’t help Morgana. I can’t help anyone. I can’t even help myself, so what’s the point in staying?” His voice was shaking, his eyes leaking tears he thought he could no longer produce.

Freya stared wide-eyed at Merlin, her voice a tiny whisper of “You helped me” before she leaned in and kissed his cheek. New voices joined quickly after, all repeating that Merlin had helped them. When he got over his initial shock, Merlin looked through the pathway of death to see Lancelot, Will, and Balinor smiling at him.

“I’ve missed you all so much,” his voice was barely audible, but all four of them seemed to understand what Merlin was trying to say. They always had, they were the four who knew of Merlin’s magic. Maybe that’s why they understood Merlin so well. While Merlin had missed them, he didn’t really understand the true force they had in Merlin’s life until he was faced with all four of them. Suddenly, it was like he couldn’t stand to leave them ever again.

They talked for what seemed like hours, maybe even a full day, Merlin and Freya in their little in-between world, Lancelot, Will, and Balinor in the land of the dead. They recounted memories and Balinor told Merlin everything he never got to tell him when he was alive, the most important being that he was proud of him. Lancelot and Will spoke of how they were proud of all Merlin had accomplished, how they missed him, and how no matter what happened they would be with him. Freya didn’t say much, once again retreating into her shy nature, but she gave Merlin the sweet smile that made him fall in love with her and would whisper how proud she was of him and how she would always love him into his ear. If they snuck a few kisses to each other, no one said anything.

When Merlin had asked them what choice they thought he should make, they simply cast sad eyes on him and told him it was his choice to make and they would support him through it all.

Eventually, Merlin knew what his choice would be. He couldn’t return to Camelot and feel that darkness in him, not when there were people here who loved him and cared for him. If he died, Merlin would have no more secrets, he would be with those who loved him and kept the darkness at bay. Building up his nerve, Merlin stood up. “Is it scary, being dead?”

They all remained quiet until sweet, brave Lancelot spoke up. “It’s like being a dream that you never want to end.”

Balinor and Will minutely nodded, their eyes fixed on Merlin. Freya only held tears in her eyes as Merlin stretched out his hand to her, helping her up. He was leaving a world of people he was convinced hated him to join a world of people he knew loved him. When he entered it, he wanted Freya at his side.

Stepping forward cautiously into the veil, Merlin grasped the hand of Lancelot, who was always there to steady him. A serious look crossed Lancelot’s face as he told Merlin, “No matter what, we’re with you. Everything is going to be okay when you cross over. We’re going to stay by your side.” Merlin had no doubts about leaving Camelot now. Here, he would be happy. Here, the darkness was gone.

Lancelot’s eyes widened and a shocked look appeared on his face, alerting Merlin to trouble. When he moved to walk forward and reach Lancelot and the others, he couldn’t. It was like his feet were chained to the ground, holding him captive. And then the chains starting pulling back, heading towards the other veil that led to the land of the living. Panic set into Merlin. “Freya! What’s happening to him!” Lancelot shouted, his voice spiked with fear.

“They’re taking him back… the living are taking him back… he waited to long to make his choice… Oh Merlin, I’m so sorry.” Freya had her hand covering her mouth, trying to control the sobs that wracked her body.

Will and Balinor started shouting, begging for someone to help, to let Merlin make his choice.

Merlin, for all his part, stood in stunned silence until he started screaming. “No! Don’t let them take me! No they can’t take me they can’t!” He could hear the hysteria creep into his voice because no, _this wasn’t fair_. Camelot wouldn’t let him die even though he wanted to. He was never going to be free. It wasn’t fair.

As he got dragged further and further back, faster as he moved, he heard the final goodbyes of his friends. “We love you!” And they did, but he would never be allowed to embrace that love again. Lancelot’s face was still panicked as he shouted to Merlin, “Remember what we said… No matter what, we’re with you! You’re never going to be alone! Remember that Merlin!”

Merlin didn’t think he would ever forget.

“Freya! Help me! Please someone help me I don’t want to live anymore!” Merlin shouted. When that didn’t work, he tried his magic, letting it cut his legs and wrists in an attempt to stay in the in between world. No matter what he did, the same force kept pulling him back to the land of the living. The whole time, Freya held his hand, squeezing reassurance that they would be with him no matter what.

As his body started heading through the veil to Camelot, Freya grabbed his face and kissed him. When she pulled back, she looked deep into his eyes, something frantic settling into her own. “Remember Merlin, we love you. I love you. You are loved. We’re not leaving you, not now, not ever.”

Her face started to disappear as Merlin slipped through the magic in the in between land. The last thing Merlin saw was Freya’s face, as beautiful as the day he first met her, and the last thing he heard was her soft voice saying, “I love you.”

***

When Merlin woke in Camelot, it wasn’t peaceful.

He had bolted up in bed, shouting at the top of his lungs for Freya, his eyes searching Gaius’s room everywhere for her, Lancelot, Will or Balinor. He kept screaming for her, occasionally screaming for Will or Lancelot and even his father, until his voice grew hoarse.

During his screaming, Merlin missed the way Gaius, Arthur, and Gwaine had exchanged confused looks when he shouted for Freya. He had missed how Arthur paled when he called for Will, the way Gaius had a shocked look on his face when Balinor’s name was mentioned, and the way everyone grew heavier at the broken call for Lancelot.

Merlin knew the people he was just with weren’t going to be there, despite his hopes. He had been pulled away from them. The darkness was back in his body.

Merlin didn’t register he was crying until he felt strong fingers wiping his tears off his face. He looked up slowly, knowing that it wasn’t Freya cleaning his tears this time, to see Arthur’s sharp blue eyes worriedly looking at him. When Merlin quietly said he needed Freya, Arthur’s eyes softened. He turned to Gaius and quickly asked who Freya was, only to find out even he didn’t know. Arthur wasn’t dumb, and judging by the fact the names of everyone called out were dead, he could assume Freya was too.

Merlin looked around the room, at the concerned look on Gaius’s and Gwaine’s face, at the tears forming in Arthur’s eyes, and he knew he had failed. He couldn’t even escape his own life. Pathetic. He expected Arthur to yell at him for not doing his chores, but instead he found himself embraced in a hug. Merlin’s love for Arthur shone through when he wrapped his arms around Arthur too.

Before Arthur could even speak, Merlin was already talking. “Why did you bring me back? I didn’t want to leave them.” His voice grew quieter when he said, “I was happy there.” And then Merlin broke down, repeating over and over that he had wanted to stay, he didn’t want to be where he was now, how everything felt dark. Arthur just hugged him and rubbed his hand through his hair, whispering in soothing tones until Merlin stopped crying.

When Merlin finally pulled back from Arthur, he noticed how the room was empty except for him and the blonde haired king. Arthur must have sent Gwaine and Gaius away. Merlin was glad, he didn’t want them to see his breakdown as well.

Arthur drew in a deep breath and spoke in a low voice filled with hurt. “You weren’t attacked, were you? There were no bandits or animals that hurt you, were there? Did you do this to yourself?” His eyes were filled with confusion and pain, something Merlin wanted to take out of there as soon as possible. But he knew he would never be able to save anyone, not with the darkness inside him.

Instead, Merlin nodded. Arthur closed his eyes and winced, his mouth becoming a thin, pale line, his eyebrows coming together. When he finally opened his eyes, they were wet and a tear was falling down the side of his face. “Merlin, I don’t know why you would do that. But I want to know. I want to help you. You shouldn’t have to be alone in your pain. I want you to tell me what happened, what has been happening. It isn’t an order, just something I want you to do if you’re comfortable, as friends.”

Freya’s words came back to Merlin, how they would all be with him no matter what. And so, for them, he would be brave.

He told Arthur everything. He kept his head down the whole time he spoke, never seeing Arthur’s reactions as Merlin told him of his magic and destiny and all the chaos he had created. Merlin didn’t think he would ever be able to look at Arthur again, for fear that there would be hatred in his eyes.

When he finished, he waited for Arthur to yell, send him to the executioner, anything. Instead he was sitting in silence and watched as his king clenched his fist. Maybe it was a sign that Merlin’s wish would come true: he would die, Arthur would send him to his death. At least Merlin felt a little less dark after telling him everything. He wouldn’t die a completely broken man.

Arthur’s mouth finally opened, and instead of sounding angry, he sounded broken. “Merlin, don’t ever think you’re not important. Don’t ever think you’re alone. I don’t care what you’ve done, you’re a good man. I care what you’re going to do. You’re my best friend and I couldn’t stand to lose you.” Arthur’s hand came up to tilt Merlin’s head. The stars which the warlock had thought would never shine brightly again shone instead in Arthur’s eyes. “I thought you were going to die. I was terrified. And you…. you did it to yourself. That’s the worst part. You were dying on the inside and I didn’t even notice.”

Merlin began to protest that it wasn’t Arthur’s fault, but his king had more to say. “Merlin, I’m with you no matter what. I’ll never leave you if you never leave me, not now, not ever.” He was struck with the familiarity of the words Arthur said, the same as what Freya had told him. _Not now, not ever._ Maybe he wasn’t so alone. Maybe people _did_ care. As if to prove what Merlin thought, Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin’s lips. “I love you, you idiot. Don’t ever think you’re alone. I’m never leaving you.”

Some of the darkness started to get washed away as Arthur held onto Merlin, and maybe being alive wouldn’t be so bad. He wouldn’t have to go through it on his own. Things could get better. Even Morgana wouldn’t be left to her darkness, she had Aithusa and would hopefully become stable again. Arthur would never leave him. They would fight Merlin’s darkness together. Merlin would never feel alone again.

Not now, not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote "Not now, not ever" comes from the novel Island by Jane Rogers. This novel was also turned into a movie (Island) which features Colin Morgan in it. The quote was my favorite from the book and movie and has stuck with me ever since I read the book.
> 
> The darkness referred to Merlin's depression. If you struggle with depression, just know that you're never alone. There's always someone willing to help you, and you are important. You are loved. Don't ever doubt yourself.


End file.
